my piano lesson today

If there was no homework involved in school, I would get straight A's. I love going to school. I love learning. I hate taking the stress and worry of schoolwork into the comfort of my home.

I always go into my piano lesson unprepared and not warmed up enough. As a result she always tells me to change how I'm interpreting a song. At one point she says to do it rubato, then I don't practice it enough so the next time i play it she doesn't like how it sounds so she changes it and tells me to stick to the tempo, but I don't practice that enough and tells me to be more connected and lagato but i don't practice that enough so she comes up with a new way to interpret the many parts to this piece that it makes it impossible for me to perfect it!

Sometimes I wonder if I can get through a day. Like today. I've been up since 1am. I had 2 1/2 hours of sleep. So this morning I was saying to myself, 'here it goes' and I go into the day not knowing if I'm going to survive but having faith enough in my skills of pulling stuff out of my butt last minute to go into the day knowing that I will finish it. At one point the day will be over. Somehow, I always get through those days. Today I wrote and performed a 10 minute speech (and got a B), wrote a 3 page paper, found 3 more sources for my paper, all on top of going to 3 classes and an hour piano lesson.

Somehow I faked my way through the lesson this morning not letting her know that i haven't practiced a wink since last week. What am I doing? I spent $640 dollars for this semester of lessons. Those are expensive!

The entire time she was telling me to fix this and fix that. I know I have to fix it. She's told me this before. I just haven't practiced. I was playing these songs for her that i supposedly practiced, the entire time my fingers making mistakes I used to not make, me itching for the song to be over already so I can hide my shame, itching for the lesson to be over so I don't have to endure her disappointment any more. And on top of all that, as I was playing Mozart's Fantasia, an incredibly depressive piece, something bit me on my neck, giving me the sharpest pinch of an itch to add to all my discomfort.

It's really really really REALLY REALLY hard to fit in 2 hours of practicing everyday. Especially when I hate it so much.

It's funny that even though I have come to hate these pieces that I'm playing, and come to hate practicing. I still absolutely love playing the piano. Maybe I was just born with this. I don't know a time when I ever didn't love it.

You know what stinks? When my teacher asks me to feel a piece of music I have never felt anything for. Who is touched by Bach? Not me. It's boring. Ineffective. Simple. Too... sweet. It's like drinking something you expected to be water but finding out it's coolaid. Unpleasant.

I really wish I did homework and studying more effectively. My worries would be lightened SO much. Especially when I tend to worry about everything in my life. I'm a worrier. That's what I do. Maybe that's why I can't handle the stress of homework. I worry about everything so much I can't handle any more stress.

One time, last semester, I had one of these days. And I was literally forced to be actively doing homework or be in class for 20 hours. Not only did I have homework to turn into my classes but I also had a paper that was due by midnight. By the end of that 20 hours, my head was pounding, I was dizzy, I was grumpy, I was confounded, literally, i was like... bewildered almost.

Stress affects me physically. I honestly cannnot handle it. I don't know how those people do it that are busy all the time and give no time to themselves. If I don't have time with myself throughout the day, I go crazy.