No... I'm afraid of not being ready for the audition. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to work for it hard enough, and not have it in me to see this out. The work I do this semester will be a lot like ASU, once I'm actually in the program. It's a hard major. Music students don't have lives. They practically live in the Music building at ASU. All their friends are musicians, they spend their free time debating over music theory, the mentality of composers, and practicing practicing practicing practicing and more practicing. Every semester I'll have to learn and play for the jury 3 approved and memorized pieces before I can sign up for the next semester's classes. As a composition major I have to write music, oversee practices, book recital halls, and advertise for performances. Not to mention playing accompaniment for other students.
When I first went to ASU as a freshmen, I was completely overwhelmed by the skill of these students. I had never taken lessons of any kind since I was 10, and I wanted to major in this? Which is why I took no classes toward any major the following year. Or took any lessons. I didn't think I could do it. But truth is, ever since I found out about the Music Theory and Composition Major in the beginning of my senior year in high school, I've wanted to do it. Real bad.
I'm just afraid that I won't be able to do what they do, and I'm actually just someone pretending to be good. Maybe I'm just Rachel.
2 comments:
Are you kidding me? You're fabulous. You need to keep reminding yourself how good you are. Video tape yourself playing and watch it again and again so you can see how great you really are. This sounds challenging but do-able! Hang in there.
I think being a music major is highly underrated. It is so hard and so much work. I truly believe music majors put in more hours than anyone. My roommate who majored in vocal performance, lived and breathed music. She rarely stepped foot out ot the music department. She even spent her weekends there. I believe I was her only friend that was not a music major...but we became friends my freshman year when I was a music major, too. And after all that work, so many people become "starving musicians." I think you will most definitely come of out of this program and better and stronger person. You learn so much more than music.
You, my dear, have a gift. You are spectacular. And I'm more than willing to bet that if you tried something else, you would still feel you were pretending. Maybe even more so. And miss music to no end.
I think we all go through life feeling like we are pretending. That's how I feel about motherhood for sure.
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